Archive for the ‘Mom to MILF’ Category

I’m a fashion don’t

Every morning during my commute to work I listen to a radio show called Wake Up With Taylor. It’s on Cosmo radio which is a  radio station run by Cosmopolitan magazine and they talk about the same issues that the magazine covers. It’s light and humorous and it entertains me during the long drive. Two of the hosts are young women who live the NYC lifestyle and frequently discuss fashion- fashion by New York standards, which are standards most of us in the rest of the country find both ridiculous and intimidating. So most of the time when they are discussing fashion I listen in a detached sort of way.

For the past week though, they have been going to shows at fashion week and there has been lot more conversation about clothes, shoes, etc. than normal and it has me thinking about my own wardrobe. I have a closet full of clothes, most of them acquired before I got married and I was thin. While they are not Prada, neither are they Walmart and I loved to wear nice things that fit well, and shoes, I’ve got some shoes. Boxes and boxes and racks of shoes.

And then I thought about what I’m wearing right now. Pants from Target (I love Target but these pants can hardly be described as well-made and well-fitting), a shirt that is completely shapeless from some cheap store that I don’t even remember, and shoes that can only be described as comfortable. The worst part is that I don’t care. Well I do care but I’m not ashamed and I should be.

The obvious problem is that none of my old clothes fit. Though I am working on it (sorta), I am still quite a bit fatter than I was pre-marriage/baby. When I buy clothes now, the criteria is that they be cheap and that I don’t have to try them on.  I always think I’ll lose weight and I don’t want to spend any more money than necessary on clothes because I hope I won’t be in this size long enough to make it worthwhile. And dealing with a dressing room is just not something I have been able to do to this point.  My shoes don’t fit either. I had giant feet before I got pregnant, now they are giant +1, making it that much harder to find cute shoes in my size in the store. I’m stuck shopping the Sasquatch women’s line.

It is something I think about though, a lot. When I’m in the elevator with someone who is nicely dressed, I feel envy. I worry that people think that I think that I look good. I feel like wearing a sign that says, “I’m under no impression that I look at all stylish right now”. Because, don’t you wonder sometimes, when you see someone dressed horribly, if they think they look good? I don’t want anybody to wonder about me.

I want to change it. I need to wrap my mind around the idea of going shopping, for me, and taking the time and money to do it right.

Saturday night, I am going to the bachelorette party of one of my best friends. There is a dress code (don’t get me started) that I can’t meet with my current options so I will have to go shopping. I am resisting the urge to say that since I am fat I can’t look good so it doesn’t matter what I wear. I’m going to embrace it and try to look my very best. I can do this.

Something gained

How different things are than they were a few years ago. I don’t mean because I’m married or because I have a child. I’m talking about this.

That is a video. On the Internet. Of me in a bathing suit. And I put it there!!!!! I am fat and I look awful and I don’t care. I mean I care, but the fact that I was in a bathing suit didn’t really dawn on me when I posted it. The fact that I was in a bathing suit didn’t really bother me when I was doing it.  The day was about fun on the beach with my baby and if that meant I had to be in a swimsuit than so be it.

Five years ago when I was skinny and had time to really care about my looks, I would have cringed at being in a bathing suit and died before I allowed photos of it to be published.

I guess I’ve gained a lot more than just weight.

Tonight, I run.

I’m going running. That might not seem too blog worthy but for me it is. I used to run. A lot.

This was me, post marathon. I’m in the pink.

Then I got married and I just wanted to give my body a break after the wedding. It felt like it had taken a pounding after so much running in so many years. That break, however, turned into a lifestyle. I got pregnant and that first trimester exhaustion hit me like a mac truck. When I wasn’t working, I was sleeping. I couldn’t do anything else and by the time the second trimester rolled around and I had a little more energy, I was just out of the habit. So instead of running, I ate and I gained. Then I had a c-section and it snowed 50 inches and the next thing I knew it was spring, I was FAT and I hadn’t run in a full year.

I didn’t even feel like I could run. I was so fat, I thought it would destroy my knees. So I’ve been walking, but walking just isn’t doing it for me. I miss running. I miss the rhythm of my feet striking the ground. I miss the sweat. I miss the exhaustion. I miss the feeling of accomplishment after a long, hard run.

So I’ve researched running while obese. I’ve got my fat girl running shoes. Tonight, I run. I’ll be slow and I’ll have to walk a lot, probably most of the time. But I’m excited and a little afraid that I may be Twittering from the ER later on.

See you at the finish line.

Don’t tell my mom I suck at dieting.

Diet? I don’t want to talk about no stinkin’ diet. Things have been bad. I think I’ve got them figured out now but the last few weeks have been a disaster when it comes to dieting. I’ve been too ashamed to go to my Weight Watchers meetings which completely defeats the purpose because that accountability was supposed to keep me honest. Unfortunately, I found out that you can miss meetings without getting in trouble. Yeah, that’s how I think. I’m stuck in a high school mentality in which I think I am going to get “in trouble” if I miss a Weight Watchers meeting. I’m not sure what the punishment would be. Dentention? Suspension? Or (Dear God, No) a note home to my parents!!!!! Anyway,< sigh>my weight continues to be a struggle.

I am still nursing the baby and I cut down my points because she is starting to eat more solids. If you are nursing full time, you get 10 extra points, if your baby gets supplements or solids you only get 5 extra points. However, since I was pumping and my baby was nursing in the middle of the night, my body didn’t know I wasn’t nursing a newborn. The result: absolute starvation. I would stick to my points for a day or two and then be so hungry and without control that I would binge on everything within a 10 mile radius. It was not good.

I am cutting down on my pumping. I’m hoping that can help control the appetite some. I have mixed feelings about it, since it may result in me having to supplement with formula. Logically, I have no problem with that but still I feel guilty. I’m not just doing it for weight loss though. I still haven’t gotten my postpartum AF back and my husband and I have decided that we like our baby so much we want another. Time is of the essence there.&

Judgement

My husband’s 25th high school reunion is this weekend. I am dreading it. Not that I don’t think it can be a good time, but I cringe when I think about what the other women will whisper to each other about me. “Oh my God, did you see how fat his wife is”? “Can you believe he married her?”

Will they really be saying that? I don’t know. Maybe. I probably would. We’re not all so much better than we were in high school. The real problem is that I’m embarrassed. Embarrassed for me because I hate the way I look and even more embarrassed for my husband that he doesn’t get to show off an attractive wife. He says he doesn’t care but I do. There’s nothing to be done. I can’t lose 30 pounds by tomorrow. I’ll just have to work with what I got and hope everyone will be sympathetic the fact that I had a baby recently (does 6 months count as recently?)