Goodbye Hank, Hello Dirt Girl (and your annoying accent).

In preparation for the upcoming fall television schedule, I have to do my annual re-evaluation of the shows I watch and decide whether they remain DVR worthy or if they will have to be cut adrift to make room for something new and wonderful. In doing this I’ve realized that motherhood has ruined my ability to watch certain shows. I think I’m kind of pissed about it.

Law and Order: SVU. Man I loved this show. The story lines are so good and engrossing. It also has Ice_t and that allowed me to frequently make jokes about Coco T. That’s a plus in any show. However, frequently the episodes feature characters guilty of doing horrible things to little girls. And now I have a little girl and a brain incapable of not connecting the two. Watching that show reminds me of what sick fucks there are in the world and puts me one step closer to locking Buttercup in her room until she is 45.  So goodbye SVU, you will be replaced by Running Wilde. Will Arnett and David Cross, I’m giddy just thinking about it.

The ID channel. OK, not so much a show as an entire (freakin’ awesome) channel. See, I love (love) shows about true crime and murder. I don’t know what that says about me, but Dateline, 48 hours, City Confidential, you name it. I can watch it all. That’s what is so great about the ID channel. That stuff is on 24 hours a day. Up with insomnia in the middle of the night? There’s something worth watching on ID. Bored on a Sunday afternoon? Sick of reruns? You get my point. I could watch this channel for hours. But now I live in a house with ground floor windows and sometimes I’m home alone with a baby to protect. Suddenly everything I’ve learned about the Nightstalker comes rushing back and I realize that I’ve got to stop letting these shows into my brain. I’m also a little afraid that if I watch too much of that stuff around Buttercup she’ll become desensitized to the horrors and end up like Dexter (which I’m totally not giving up).

Californication: This one hurts. This show makes me laugh like no other but I’m afraid of watching anything so dirty within a one-mile radius of my daughter. (Are there any real people that actually have that much sex? That much freaky sex? It exhausts me and makes me glad I live on the uptight east coast.) Even if she is sleeping, it would just feel very, very wrong. I think that show can actually corrupt a young innocent mind just by showing up on the guide listing.  I would also like to prolong the time until she meets guys like Hank, very bad men who are very, very charming. Collini, out!

I’ll miss these shows but I guess it’s best that I start making room on my DVR for the part of parenthood I’ve been dreading the most; children’s television, like Dirt Girl and her creepy, creepy grub friend.

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